The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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