Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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