why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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