Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
