i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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