I think my vagina is haunted
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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