I wish I could teleport
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
