the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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