i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
