Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
