i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
