I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
BRING THE BAGELS
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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