bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
