We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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