I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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