the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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