Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
