just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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