im six kinds of drunk right now
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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