Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
