He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
