my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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