There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
