im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
