I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
