I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
