Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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