with your own penis?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
