I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
