it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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