I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
