Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize