YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
