your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
