he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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