Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
