I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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