For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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