I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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