1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Someone signed my nipple.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
