I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
