matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
