i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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