you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
