I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
