I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Who died my cat blue again?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
