peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
