how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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