Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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