you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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