Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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