Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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