I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize