If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
