I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
