For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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