just come out here and I will go home with you...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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