So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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