apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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