Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
