I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
